How to win friends and influence people [BOOK NOTES]

Six ways to make people like you

Summary: To be interesting, be interested. Smile. Think how they think. Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.

#1: Become genuinely interested in others

  • People are interested in themselves - morning, noon, after dinner
  • We are interested in others when they are interested in us

#2: Smile

  • People who smile tend to … raise better children
  • Force yourself to smile in the mirror

#3: Remember person’s name

  • Name = sweetest and most important word in any language
  • Name = compliment
  • Mispel/forget = bad 1st impression
  • Napoleon the Third - asked how it’s spelled or asked again, wrote it down, read a few time

#4: Encourage others to speak about themselves

  • “Few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention”
  • Works well in business, but even in family
  • Show people you love them by stopping what you’re doing and listening 100%
  • To be interesting, be interested in others

#5: Talk in terms of other person’s interests

  • Roosevelt had always studied his guests the night before. He found the topic they liked and talked about it with passion (boats)
  • “I know how you can make a decent money”

#6: Make the other people feel important and do it sincerely

  • “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Jesus in Luke 6:31
  • Every day, pay compliment to common people (e.g. nice hair at the post office)
  • “The deepest principle in human nature is the crawling to be appreciated” W. James
  • “I am sorry to trouble you” or “Would you mind…” or “Thank you”
  • Almost anyone is superior to you in some way. Recognise it.
  • “Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours” Disraeli

How to win people to you way of thinking

Summary: Don’t start argument. Let them talk. Don’t interrupt. Admit your mistakes. Never say “You’re wrong.” Get them say “Yes” few times. Be empathetic.

#1: The only way to get the best of argument is to avoid it

  • Don’t argue with storyteller, it will make him feel uncomfortable
  • Don’t be argumentative, avoid it at all cost
  • “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still”
  • A: You’re competitor is better. B: Sure it is.
  • “If you contradict you may achieve victory sometimes, but it will be an empty victory. You won’t get your opponent’s good will” Benjamin Franklin
  • How to prevent argument?
    • Welcome disagreement
    • Keep calm
    • Control your temper
    • Listen first
    • Do not disturb
    • Admit errors
    • Promise to think it over
    • Thank them

#2: Show respect for other person’s opinion. Never say “You’re wrong”

  • “Be wiser than other people if you can. But do not tell them so” Lord Chesterfield
  • “I may be wrong. Let’s examine the facts.”
  • Benjamin Franklin has stopped using “Certainly, frankly” and replaced it with “Imagine, conceive”

#3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

  • His story: Policeman only wanted to feel important. By talking first and admitting his fault, Carnegie was shown mercy
  • Any fool can defend his mistakes, but only master can admit them

#4: Begin in a friendly way

  • “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon” Abraham Lincoln

#5: Get the other person saying “Yes” immediately

  • Start by listing what he agrees on and prevent them from saying “No”
  • “Don’t you think that…?”
  • Socrates method: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes -> conclusion

#6: Let the other person do a great deal of talking

  • They know more about their business and problems than you do
  • Prepare their list of acknowledgements and let them talk
  • “If you want enemies, excel your friends, but if you want friends, let your friends excel you” La Rochefoucauld

#7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

  • Make suggestions and let the others do the conclusions
  • Nobody likes to be sold, let them buy
  • If you’re interested in results, give them even credit for the idea

#8: Try to see things from their point of view

  • People may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so.
  • “If I were them, how and why would I think what I think?”

#9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

  • “I don’t blame you for” or “If I were you, I would feel the same”
  • “ I sympathise with you and I know it won’t be easy”

#10: Appeal to the nobler motives

  • Everyone has two motives for doing things: real and noble one
  • People are honest and want to discharge their obligations

#11: Dramatise your ideas

  • Use different subjects to support your speech (throw pennies on the floor, etc.)

#12: Throw down a challenge

  • Stimulate competition, but not in money-driven way
  • Use the game to prove one’s worth, to excel, to win

Be a leader. How to change people without giving offence

#1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation